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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 4, 2006 0:51:28 GMT -5
well, what I mean is we plant the seeds with a few lines of dialogue...
For example, that line where the MAN is talking to Walcott about Europa being an 8 Billion dollar tomb...we just modify it to say
"Not until we know Europa isn't just another 8 billion dollar tomb like the Lunar Colony. NASA needs this. We need this. North Koreas' set to launch for Mars in 5 years. We need Europa , and we need you on it. We need you to plant the American flag on Europa and let the world know that we've got prime real estate there."
Or whatever. That's just off the top of my head. I'm gonna work on it tonight.
But anyway -- a few added lines of dialogue brings the importance and urgency, but still allows us NOT to lose focus on the fact that this is story about four people under the ice.
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Post by nolan on Jul 4, 2006 0:55:08 GMT -5
How does North Korea get the expertise to launch a shuttle to Mars?
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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 4, 2006 1:23:40 GMT -5
LOL -- that's a new thing that I pulled out of my hat.
But remember, we're probably fifteen years in the future. A lot can happen in that time. Setting it in the future, I don't really think we need to explain the dry history of everything that has happened up till that point. Basically, by setting it a little further in the future, we can just state that a new space race has commenced. It seems to make a little more sense to use Korea or one of the emerging nuclear nations as part of the competition than to throwback to Russia.
The story is not about NOrth Korea. It's about 4 people exploring an untouched lake...a space race is just a physical background event to give us the momentum to send them there.
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Post by nolan on Jul 4, 2006 1:25:48 GMT -5
What kind of cool stuff is under the lake there?
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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 4, 2006 2:07:42 GMT -5
I"m going to prepare a revised treatment based on what Jeremy and I are working up, so that you can see our goals. Basically, Vostok has never been touched, and there is no photosynhtesis, so anything down there is in its own unique ecosystem. Scientists mostly speculate that it's bacteria that has evolved completely separately from our ecosystem. But...there could be more...that's kind of a big question in the series...I dont' want to just put it all out there until I send you the whole treatment.
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Post by nolan on Jul 4, 2006 3:33:49 GMT -5
Dave and I spoke about this on MSN for a bit.
He has some cool stuff.
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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 6, 2006 14:56:22 GMT -5
OK, so we made a few changes to the first script, and I actually put it online with the changes marked in red so you can see what we actually edited. Fair warning -- Jayvee, you might be disappointed because rather than curbing the humor in that one section, we actually expanded it. I felt like we found a way to put in context. Now, when Beck is first introducing Valerie, he actually takes a certain tone, about how he brought her back from wasting her life trying to "deal with dying." I feel like we actually now create this sort of relationship between the two characters. So we've changed very little of the layout and structure, but with small hints in the dialogue, we've tried to take care of everyone's questions... So here you go: www.laughingmadscribes.com/VOSTOK_01_revised.htmWe've also got a detailed treatment that I can post if you guys want to see our proposal for how the entire storyline plays out. Let me know if you're interested.
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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 13, 2006 1:17:47 GMT -5
anyone catch the revised script?
We're working on #2 now. I may post an unfinished version of that shortly, just to give you guys a taste.
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Post by jayvee on Jul 13, 2006 8:28:43 GMT -5
Nay, sorry, in between my car giving me Hell and geting my fuck on I haven't paid much attention to this forum in several days. I'll get on it when I get home from work.
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Post by jayvee on Jul 13, 2006 16:58:34 GMT -5
PAGE THREE, PANEL THREE: Good revision.
PAGE THREE, PANEL FIVE: The "we honor those brave souls" line seems a little too mechanical for a man like Walcott. Not premeditated, just... Weird. To tell you the truth, it would seem to me like he'd completely ignore the question altogether. My advice would be to nix the "brave souls" line entirely and skip directly to the pitch about being repeatedly warned. That's the more charismatic response.
PAGE FOUR, PANEL FOUR: This is a really tiny nitpick but having the letter "8" instead of writing it as "eight" makes a bump when I'm reading. Not enough to take me out of the story entirely--and maybe it's me being anal retentive--but it's a skip in the record nonetheless.
Also in that panel, the proposed balloon breaks are awkward.
PAGE FIVE, PANEL ONE: Balloon breaks also awkward.
PAGE THIRTEEN, PANEL TWO: Much-needed exposition.
PAGE SIXTEEN, PANEL FIVE: I still have issue with Will being described as struggling with the reality of his choice. I still think he needs to be resolute, determined and the epitome of stubborn.
PAGE SEVENTEEN, PANEL FIVE: I'm not a fan of the ellipsis at the end. Instead of "If I have to stop the billion dollar ice-melting machine because you can’t hold it…" it should be: "I refuse to stop a billion dollar ice-melting machine because you couldn't hold it." It's more intense and less slapstick--I'm gonna use that word again in a few seconds, too. Another tiny nitpick, though.
REACTION: I appreciate you coating the edits in red. Overall, this second (or whatever) draft has really made the concept blossom. It's a whole lot more accesible now than it was before, less mystery without losing your mystery--if that makes any sense. I remain firm in my dislike of the comedy bits... I still think they stick out like sore thumbs and the script would be stronger without them. They're just too slapsticky.
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Post by davidaccampo on Jul 13, 2006 18:09:16 GMT -5
Thanks, Jayvee. I appreciate the read-thru.
The nitpicks are good. You're right about the "8" -- that's just an oversight on my part.
Will -- I think he's resolute to Val ("I've made my choice"), but in private, doodling "Team Suicide"...it does cast doubt...or does it? Maybe it's just an acceptance. I like that we're in a bit of a gray area with him. He's still giving Val the out, but he's resolute to HER that he's made his choice. But is he...? I think I'm gonna leave it as is for now.
Comedy -- I like the eplipses... and the slapstickiness of their relationship. I realize it may not play well to everyone, but I think it's important to have the characters find some humor and vitality in their situation. So I think we're gonna leave that too.
Awkward word balloons -- this is a good point. I'm trying to break them up to not be too big. I'm trying to find natural places where I imagine another bubble coming in. Maybe you could tell me where you'd break the dialogue there?
I'm pretty pleased with the basic first issue now. We're about halfway through the second issue. Since we write as a team, I have to wait to see if the pages Jeremy has haven't have further retro-active revisions (as opposed to moving the script forward), but I'll try to post the first 12 or 13 pages tonight -- just to give you guys a taste of what comes next. There are some good scenes, I think. And the humor we set up here plays out a little.
And as a writer's side note: during all of this revision, we went back and revised two versions of the treatment. One is a very succinct one page "pitch treatment" that captures the story and tone. The second is our elaborate four-page treatment that hits all the story beats and serves as a bit of an outline for the entire story. That's our blueprint for the script. But the pitch treatment may be what we use to show this off with our script sample...
Still considering this for Nolan's magazine, but I thought we might try to get it into someone's hands at the upcoming San Diego convention...
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