Post by jayvee on Jul 7, 2006 22:36:12 GMT -5
Nolan, you might like this because it's incredibly similar to one of your prompts. (Those of you not familiar with PENCILJACK... It's the kind of place we need to promote TIDE. Just open up GOOGLE and search for it.)
Anyway, the rules are as follow: 5 page script. No previously copyrighted material. You can't use dialogue or captions; the story is to be completely visually driven. Your script must start with a man standing on a roof.
The contest closes on July 18th, so it'll be awhile before I know how well I did in the contest.
My submission is as follows, thrown together in the matter of an hour:
PROJECT: PENCILJACK WRITING CONTEST #14
TITLE: GNASHED HIS TEETH (INSPIRED BY PEARL JAM'S "JEREMY")
AUTHOR: JEREMIAH ALLAN
PAGE ONE.
P1. Splash: A man stands alone on top of a roof, perched at the middle apex where the sloping tile comes together. He's shadowed and howling at the moon with his arms raised up in a "V". It's a conqueror's pose and, from this bug's eye view, we can see why. Below him, piled haphazardly on top of one another in the grass are the bodies of at least half a dozen children his age, still attired in their school uniforms, eyes glazed over with buckets of blood caked and drying on and around the massacre. It appears as though many of them have been shot--multiple times. (MAX and his henchman are among them.)
PAGE TWO.
P1. Large: Crane shot, looking down from a forty-five degree angle: The boy (JEREMY) tip-toes along the beam towards the edge of the house, one foot in front of the other. He has moved his arms out straight to either side to keep his balance, stretching his fingertips to a light wind as far as they'll reach and is obviously not watching his legwork, eyes still glued to the sky.
P2. Similar to PANEL 1, but moved progressively closer so that there's more emphasis on his feet and the precarious nature of the beam he's traversing.
P3. A different angle: JEREMY continues on his path to certain destruction.
P4. Close-up: He closes his eyes. His long hair droops down over his face, almost masking the tell-tale signs that he'd been crying. Almost.
P5. Extreme close-up: JEREMY bites his lower lip, drawing blood.
P6. Similar to PANEL 5, except now the scene is beginning to disintegrate. A white lens flare has appeared in the middle of the panel and is threatening to overtake the entire thing…
P7. …An act of visual theft it successfully accomplishes in PANEL 7.
PAGE THREE.
P1. Same as PAGE TWO, PANEL 7.
P2. The flare recedes somewhat as we finally uncover its origin: The sun reflecting off a pair of brass knuckles. The camera captures a waist-up portrait of a teenage boy (MAX) clenching the knux tightly in his fist and pointing towards us, past the camera at something we can't see. He appears angry, vengeful.
P3. The camera swings around, however, revealing our protagonist JEREMY being held against his will by two more raucous youths, arms pinned back from both sides and face looking like it's taken a couple rough punches already. His eye is black. He appears too worn down to fight back. These henchmen grin eagerly like sharks awaiting a kill as MAX approaches.
P4. Close-up: MAX bends down and gets in JEREMY'S face, tilting his head slightly to the side and staring at his nemesis with a glaring expression. This is no place JEREMY wants to be.
P5. Angle on Jeremy: his face bleeds defiance to the end.
PAGE FOUR.
P1. MAX knocks JEREMY free from his henchmen's grasp with a wide swinging haymaker, blood and spit flying loose from the victim's mouth.
P2. MAX continues his onslaught, delivering a jaw-breaking uppercut.
P3. MAX grabs JEREMY'S head and rams it down into a rising knee smash, really doing a number on him.
P4. The thugs drop JEREMY to the ground, whipping their heads around in surprise to look at something off panel that's apparently startled them enough to cease any and all current ass-beating activity.
P5. MAX and his henchmen run into the nearby woods as a policeman arrives just in time to rescue JEREMY from being murdered. The officer gapes in horror at the mangled body below him, hands recoiled in terror and eyes wide.
P6. The officer kneels down and checks JEREMY'S pulse.
P7. He lowers his head, putting a hand over JEREMY'S face and closing his eyelids.
PAGE FIVE.
P1. Similar crane shot as found in PAGE TWO, PANEL 1 but JEREMY'S much closer to the edge this time. The wind has noticeably picked up since the previous scene, blowing unkempt strands of hair into his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them away.
P2. Similar to PAGE TWO, PANEL 2: JEREMY gets ever-nearer to the edge...
P3. …Until he finally steps off, one foot planted on the house and the other searching vainly for something to stand on.
P4. JEREMY begins to free fall off the side of the house, hands still extended wide to either side, and we can finally see the bitter smile on his face. If you could read his body language, it would say, "This isn't exactly what I wanted… But it'll do."
P5. Just before impact: JEREMY'S body explodes into a thousand butterflies, flying off into the night as the dead eyes of his peers stare up into nothingness.
P6. And the butterflies just keep flying higher and higher, leaving the ground behind.
Anyway, the rules are as follow: 5 page script. No previously copyrighted material. You can't use dialogue or captions; the story is to be completely visually driven. Your script must start with a man standing on a roof.
The contest closes on July 18th, so it'll be awhile before I know how well I did in the contest.
My submission is as follows, thrown together in the matter of an hour:
PROJECT: PENCILJACK WRITING CONTEST #14
TITLE: GNASHED HIS TEETH (INSPIRED BY PEARL JAM'S "JEREMY")
AUTHOR: JEREMIAH ALLAN
PAGE ONE.
P1. Splash: A man stands alone on top of a roof, perched at the middle apex where the sloping tile comes together. He's shadowed and howling at the moon with his arms raised up in a "V". It's a conqueror's pose and, from this bug's eye view, we can see why. Below him, piled haphazardly on top of one another in the grass are the bodies of at least half a dozen children his age, still attired in their school uniforms, eyes glazed over with buckets of blood caked and drying on and around the massacre. It appears as though many of them have been shot--multiple times. (MAX and his henchman are among them.)
PAGE TWO.
P1. Large: Crane shot, looking down from a forty-five degree angle: The boy (JEREMY) tip-toes along the beam towards the edge of the house, one foot in front of the other. He has moved his arms out straight to either side to keep his balance, stretching his fingertips to a light wind as far as they'll reach and is obviously not watching his legwork, eyes still glued to the sky.
P2. Similar to PANEL 1, but moved progressively closer so that there's more emphasis on his feet and the precarious nature of the beam he's traversing.
P3. A different angle: JEREMY continues on his path to certain destruction.
P4. Close-up: He closes his eyes. His long hair droops down over his face, almost masking the tell-tale signs that he'd been crying. Almost.
P5. Extreme close-up: JEREMY bites his lower lip, drawing blood.
P6. Similar to PANEL 5, except now the scene is beginning to disintegrate. A white lens flare has appeared in the middle of the panel and is threatening to overtake the entire thing…
P7. …An act of visual theft it successfully accomplishes in PANEL 7.
PAGE THREE.
P1. Same as PAGE TWO, PANEL 7.
P2. The flare recedes somewhat as we finally uncover its origin: The sun reflecting off a pair of brass knuckles. The camera captures a waist-up portrait of a teenage boy (MAX) clenching the knux tightly in his fist and pointing towards us, past the camera at something we can't see. He appears angry, vengeful.
P3. The camera swings around, however, revealing our protagonist JEREMY being held against his will by two more raucous youths, arms pinned back from both sides and face looking like it's taken a couple rough punches already. His eye is black. He appears too worn down to fight back. These henchmen grin eagerly like sharks awaiting a kill as MAX approaches.
P4. Close-up: MAX bends down and gets in JEREMY'S face, tilting his head slightly to the side and staring at his nemesis with a glaring expression. This is no place JEREMY wants to be.
P5. Angle on Jeremy: his face bleeds defiance to the end.
PAGE FOUR.
P1. MAX knocks JEREMY free from his henchmen's grasp with a wide swinging haymaker, blood and spit flying loose from the victim's mouth.
P2. MAX continues his onslaught, delivering a jaw-breaking uppercut.
P3. MAX grabs JEREMY'S head and rams it down into a rising knee smash, really doing a number on him.
P4. The thugs drop JEREMY to the ground, whipping their heads around in surprise to look at something off panel that's apparently startled them enough to cease any and all current ass-beating activity.
P5. MAX and his henchmen run into the nearby woods as a policeman arrives just in time to rescue JEREMY from being murdered. The officer gapes in horror at the mangled body below him, hands recoiled in terror and eyes wide.
P6. The officer kneels down and checks JEREMY'S pulse.
P7. He lowers his head, putting a hand over JEREMY'S face and closing his eyelids.
PAGE FIVE.
P1. Similar crane shot as found in PAGE TWO, PANEL 1 but JEREMY'S much closer to the edge this time. The wind has noticeably picked up since the previous scene, blowing unkempt strands of hair into his eyes. He doesn't bother wiping them away.
P2. Similar to PAGE TWO, PANEL 2: JEREMY gets ever-nearer to the edge...
P3. …Until he finally steps off, one foot planted on the house and the other searching vainly for something to stand on.
P4. JEREMY begins to free fall off the side of the house, hands still extended wide to either side, and we can finally see the bitter smile on his face. If you could read his body language, it would say, "This isn't exactly what I wanted… But it'll do."
P5. Just before impact: JEREMY'S body explodes into a thousand butterflies, flying off into the night as the dead eyes of his peers stare up into nothingness.
P6. And the butterflies just keep flying higher and higher, leaving the ground behind.