Some Feedback on Krillon Kallane Comic

[darkedge]

Hello all. This is our first post. We would love to hear some feedback and comments on the first two issues of our comic. It is intended to be different. The approach to the art is different and the story-telling is different, all to create a unique atmosphere. Here is the link www.geocities.com/krillonekallane/

Hope to hear from you guys,

[jayvee]

I get the style but the art isn't compelling enough to keep my interest.

There's not very much to look at, really.

[berlinpoe]

jayvee said:

I get the style but the art isn't compelling enough to keep my interest.

There's not very much to look at, really.

There are times when someone beats me to the punch...

I like the bright colors to make a kind of weird Noir feel...but I don't think you have it yet. It looks like all the color and writing is to hind some fundamental artistic problems. It looks like you might want to write and color but not draw...

I dunno, as this is only a comic and I get no sense that you know some basic art stuff.

I also don't like the format of the Geocities pages you got. Go over to Drunk Duck and get a better page.

Anyhoo. You have potential. Go out there and learn more things and improve, improve, improve.

-BP

[davidaccampo]

Regardless of the art (and I agree with the others about that), but I've gotta say that the hard-boiled dialogue seems really off to me. Grammatically, it's rocky -- "it's better to wake up to the sizzling smell of bacon and eggs and the wet kiss of your best-friend's girl, rather than the cold scent of human blood." OK, first the smell doesn't sizzle, the bacon and eggs sizzle. A sizzling smell isn't anything we can really identify with. Similarly, what IS the cold scent of human blood? Is it the scent of COLD human blood? If so, what does that smell like? THe best narratives stray from using cliches because they use small very original details. Find out what cold human blood smells like and create a good metaphor for it.

Also, "best-friend" shouldn't be hyphenated.

And the sentence is clunky, but you don't notice it because it's long. If you break it down, you're saying: "It's better to do this, rather than to do that," sounds better if you say "It's better to do this than that." Or "I'd rather do this than that."

Beyond that, the sentence is also clunky because you load up the front end...""it's better to wake up to the sizzling smell of bacon and eggs and the wet kiss of your best-friend's girl..." that's kind of long, only to be followed by a rather short phrase " the cold scent of human blood." It's not that you CAN'T do this, but if you read it aloud, you'll see that it feels a bit awkward. I understand the need to push the detail (I rather like the "wet kiss of your best friend's girl, " for example), but not at the expense of an awkward sounding sentence. You can always break it up into shorter sentences.

I do like the noir tone your're going for, and the story has a nice atmosphere, but everything I just mentioned was in the first SENTENCE of the piece. What does that say to any potential publisher reading it? It's going to come off as unprofessional, and a lot of it is stuff that could be easily corrected. So you've got to be aware of that type of thing.

Dave

[nolan]

I agree with Dave on the-dialogue. You hyphen-things in the weirdest places and it takes me out of the story.

The page also loads incredibly slowly for me. It took me almost a minute on a high speed network being the only computer on there to load the main index.